I hate my body, but i'm trying not to.

Hey guys, 
I thought i'd talk about something a little different today, something a little harder to talk about but I feel like maybe talking about it will be some how therapeutic. 

I hate my body. 
Now, this statement is usually met with friends and family countering it with compliments and flattery. 
However, those in my mind are empty. 
The only thing those comments make me believe is that there are people that care about me and want me to feel good, which is lovely but I don't feel that way about myself. 

I have put on weight in the last year and I'm not okay with it, I feel wrong and 'lumpy' I notice all of the parts of my body that are now softer and squishier and I hate it. 
I was severely underweight when I was younger and weighed just enough to keep me out of hospital (still had to see a LOT of doctors though) it sounds really bad but for me it was never about my weight or how I looked, it was purely because I hated eating, it felt like a pointless task or chore that I didn't care for. 

This inevitably faded when I hit puberty and discovered a huge love for food, this was fine and I enjoyed it, I ate so much that I got the old 'where do you put it all?!' and 'You'll be sorry you ate like that when it catches up to you' ...
It's catching up with me and I've kind of lost my appetite.

It's something I need to address but i'm worried i'll end up back where I started, hating food.

Another thing, I wanted to talk about is boys and self-love (self-confidence). 
As you can probably tell from the above, I do not practice self-love I rarely take proper care of myself or my body/mind.

I live in a constant battle between 'yass queen you so beaut yass' and 'I literally hate my whole face'.

The former has developed from the mantra ''Fake it til you make it' after an unfortunate secondary school experience (the whole thing was just fucking awful) I knew that if I wanted to not be at my rock bottom of self worth I needed to fake it. 
So, I did. 
Some days it works a dream, other times it barely makes a scratch on my cloudy mind. 
The worst of it is when people I like/admire/fancy whatever you want to call it, compliment me.

My mum used to tell me off because whenever anyone would compliment me I would reject the compliment and put myself down, now I politely say 'Thankyou' because that's what I have been taught to do, not because I actually take it in and believe it. (I was just fed up of being told off tbh ;) 

Saying all this may come off as depressing af, but its just something I wanted to say and it's not like I don't have good qualities (i'm fucking hilarious and I can put together a mean outfit) it just means that when someone likes me the first thing that pops into my mind is 'I have nothing to offer you'. 

So, I guess I have some stuff to to work through and I think I might try some 'self-love' things (not like that).

'If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?' 

 Thanks for reading dudes, 

H 

xxx