Time flies (not) when there's a deadly virus knocking about.
Well shit,
It's been a long ol' while since I did this 'pour my heart out online' thing but your gal is back.
The last time I posted I was 22, whoops.
We (as in..literally everyone in the world right now) is mid-lockdown, the entire world has stopped, as a very dangerous virus makes its way through it.
That sounds like I'm being real dramatic (and i do have a flare for it) however it is the unfortunate reality we are facing.
I'm not sure what week everyone else is on but I have completed four weeks of self-isolation and the government has recently announced a further..three.
That wont be the end though..I miss my job..my friends.
I would say that this is going to be a little sanctuary for people who want a break from #covidchat but oh baby its not, as a naturally anxious gal this is where I've decided to put it all. sorry.
It wont be ALL the time but It's deffo not going to be a 'everything is fine' type of place, luckily, I babble about bloody everything so covid-19 will probably take a backseat for most posts...just know, I'm consistently freaked out and you are free to feel scared with me (solidarity sister!).
Anyway, It's a bit dusty over here since I abandoned you guys (oop) and so I'll update you a bit.
I recently turned 25 (in lockdown .. here she goes, you know she'll mention it again) in lockdown.
I finally got a job! ..I mean, I got it when I was like 23 so it's been a while, but to you, it's news.
I teach children, if you can quite believe it, me, the adult sized baby.
I love it (I'm going to keep all the rest of that part of my life for myself because you know, safe).
I have two dogs now, Watson and Five (yes, five like the number five, yes he's named after a character in The Umbrella Academy) they're both beagles, v cute, really loud, hate each other.. but in a sibling way.
What else..
I fell slightly in like with someone (not love but maybe could have) and he dumped me but we're cool cool cool cool no doubt no doubt.
That pretty much took up all of my brain space last year and it felt so weird to be happy, like proper happy. It was lovely, then it wasn't.
My confidence in myself has grown exponentially, my panic attacks got so rare and my anxiety was more a faint little thud at the back of my brain, rather than a searing pain, right at the front, blurring my eyesight (these days are tougher but it's to be expected...mentioning covid count: 2).
(Take a deep breath reader, shes about to get super dramatic, I suggest you read it like a novel because it's longer than one ffs. Here we go.. get your drama queen caps on kids)
Just before all this scary shit happened (covid count: 3) I had got back in contact with some of my best friends again ( we lost touch for a sec) and it felt so lovely to have people around all the time, I had forgotten what it was like to have mates that lived close to me (my beloved best friend still lives far away), reconnecting with them was like being 14 again and we certainly tried to keep everything the same as it was in school which I thought was amazing.
**They used to make me feel invincible, like I could do anything and together we could face everything,they were fiery and impulsive, I envied that quality.
Back then it felt like this precious thing.
The kind of thing that's just yours, the kind of thing that you hold so gently in fear that one tiny stumble would bring it all crashing down around you and it almost did, multiple times.
Except I couldn't let that happen, so I pushed everything of mine to back of my brain and focused everything I had on keeping the loves of my life together. Us. The team.
It worked, everyone looks back on those times when we were young with a pink haze and don't get me wrong, for the majority of the times, I do to.
But, I'm not 14 or 18 or even 21, when this kind of dynamic worked for us, when I was lost within myself and was looking for validation in their laughs and the way they looked at me.
I'm 25 and as much as I joke about being a child, I am an adult and the years I had by myself without close friends meant I had to find that validation in myself, so I did and now the old dynamic feels crushing and there are some days where I see all of the times I missed chances to make myself happier because it would've hurt feelings, caused rifts.
How had I not realised I was walking on eggshells before?
How could I put the feelings of others first and let my own be hurt, time and time again?
How can I be sure it wont happen again?
I realised I still carry the fear of losing these people or them disapproving of me, which is hard and not very healthy.
I love these people, still, with my whole heart and I forever will, we just need to find a new normal, a new dynamic because having them up on a pedestal doesn't work for me anymore. **
**not that they did ANY of these things purposefully, we were just kids and all figuring life out at the same time, in different ways but trying to stick together, they have no idea that this is how I felt sometimes and I dont blame them for anything at all..I have also had a chat to one of them about all this and he had literally no idea so yep drama queen party of one please **
Nowadays, I value different things to teenage me, honesty and openness being big ones, trust being another and I feel like I still have room to work on all of those but I know I'm trying and I wont let any opportunities to be happy go by again.
It feels too lovely, then sometimes, it doesn't.
But it's all so worth it.
We (as in..literally everyone in the world right now) is mid-lockdown, the entire world has stopped, as a very dangerous virus makes its way through it.
That sounds like I'm being real dramatic (and i do have a flare for it) however it is the unfortunate reality we are facing.
I'm not sure what week everyone else is on but I have completed four weeks of self-isolation and the government has recently announced a further..three.
That wont be the end though..I miss my job..my friends.
I would say that this is going to be a little sanctuary for people who want a break from #covidchat but oh baby its not, as a naturally anxious gal this is where I've decided to put it all. sorry.
It wont be ALL the time but It's deffo not going to be a 'everything is fine' type of place, luckily, I babble about bloody everything so covid-19 will probably take a backseat for most posts...just know, I'm consistently freaked out and you are free to feel scared with me (solidarity sister!).
Anyway, It's a bit dusty over here since I abandoned you guys (oop) and so I'll update you a bit.
I recently turned 25 (in lockdown .. here she goes, you know she'll mention it again) in lockdown.
I finally got a job! ..I mean, I got it when I was like 23 so it's been a while, but to you, it's news.
I teach children, if you can quite believe it, me, the adult sized baby.
I love it (I'm going to keep all the rest of that part of my life for myself because you know, safe).
I have two dogs now, Watson and Five (yes, five like the number five, yes he's named after a character in The Umbrella Academy) they're both beagles, v cute, really loud, hate each other.. but in a sibling way.
What else..
I fell slightly in like with someone (not love but maybe could have) and he dumped me but we're cool cool cool cool no doubt no doubt.
That pretty much took up all of my brain space last year and it felt so weird to be happy, like proper happy. It was lovely, then it wasn't.
My confidence in myself has grown exponentially, my panic attacks got so rare and my anxiety was more a faint little thud at the back of my brain, rather than a searing pain, right at the front, blurring my eyesight (these days are tougher but it's to be expected...mentioning covid count: 2).
(Take a deep breath reader, shes about to get super dramatic, I suggest you read it like a novel because it's longer than one ffs. Here we go.. get your drama queen caps on kids)
Just before all this scary shit happened (covid count: 3) I had got back in contact with some of my best friends again ( we lost touch for a sec) and it felt so lovely to have people around all the time, I had forgotten what it was like to have mates that lived close to me (my beloved best friend still lives far away), reconnecting with them was like being 14 again and we certainly tried to keep everything the same as it was in school which I thought was amazing.
**They used to make me feel invincible, like I could do anything and together we could face everything,they were fiery and impulsive, I envied that quality.
Back then it felt like this precious thing.
The kind of thing that's just yours, the kind of thing that you hold so gently in fear that one tiny stumble would bring it all crashing down around you and it almost did, multiple times.
Except I couldn't let that happen, so I pushed everything of mine to back of my brain and focused everything I had on keeping the loves of my life together. Us. The team.
It worked, everyone looks back on those times when we were young with a pink haze and don't get me wrong, for the majority of the times, I do to.
But, I'm not 14 or 18 or even 21, when this kind of dynamic worked for us, when I was lost within myself and was looking for validation in their laughs and the way they looked at me.
I'm 25 and as much as I joke about being a child, I am an adult and the years I had by myself without close friends meant I had to find that validation in myself, so I did and now the old dynamic feels crushing and there are some days where I see all of the times I missed chances to make myself happier because it would've hurt feelings, caused rifts.
How had I not realised I was walking on eggshells before?
How could I put the feelings of others first and let my own be hurt, time and time again?
How can I be sure it wont happen again?
I realised I still carry the fear of losing these people or them disapproving of me, which is hard and not very healthy.
I love these people, still, with my whole heart and I forever will, we just need to find a new normal, a new dynamic because having them up on a pedestal doesn't work for me anymore. **
**not that they did ANY of these things purposefully, we were just kids and all figuring life out at the same time, in different ways but trying to stick together, they have no idea that this is how I felt sometimes and I dont blame them for anything at all..I have also had a chat to one of them about all this and he had literally no idea so yep drama queen party of one please **
Nowadays, I value different things to teenage me, honesty and openness being big ones, trust being another and I feel like I still have room to work on all of those but I know I'm trying and I wont let any opportunities to be happy go by again.
It feels too lovely, then sometimes, it doesn't.
But it's all so worth it.
All right,
I've exhausted my storytelling trait and gained a headache
Let's hope it's not Corona (I'm kidding...covid count: 4)
H
x
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