Easy Love.

Hey, 

(Before I get into this I'm aware that I could totally give away the people I'm talking about and if by chance you're reading, I'm sorry? I think.) 

I have loved so many people in my lifetime, not always IN love but love nonetheless and I reminisce about each time and think about how fucking easy it would have been to have just given in, so why didn't I?. 

First of all, two of the four? (ish) people I have felt this way about have been friends of mine, like damn fucking good friends so when those feeling wrapped their way around my heart and twisted their way into my stomach I fucking freaked out. 
Big time, the major reason being that I didn't want to ruin our friendship (but I honestly just think I used that excuse as a shield) the second reason being that these people knew everything about me, they were my soulmates, both in  different ways. 
One made me feel, fearless..utterly fucking fearless like when we were together nothing could/would ever touch me, he was everything I ever looked for in another human being, he was beautiful and funny but as with all people he was flawed, harsh and looking back on it I think he could be really selfish and guarded.
The other was the opposite but in all of the best ways possible, he was warm, kind, open and fucking sunshine in a bottle, I always thought the other guy was the closest anyone ever came to knowing everything about me but this one. This one, knew me inside out and I could be completely myself without any of the 'omg, I can't let him see me without makeup' 'I need to wear all my best clothes' 'I'll never be pretty enough to date you' feeling and crushing doubts. 
Unfortunately, I adored him and I don't think he ever felt the same and I know for sure there was one point where I could've told him but it was such a complex situation I decided to do what I always do and take a backseat.
Now, dont get me wrong I'm glad I did because he's so incredibly happy and that is better than anything I could've done for him, but I could've so easily fucking fallen in love with him, both of them actually and it would have been easy and so much fun (Just to clarify, these weren't at the same time).

(I could talk about the other guys but it's pretty much the same feels-wise.)
In fact, every time I have ever felt the familiar tug of  'oh. fuck I think I love him' I immediately stomp it out and I'm not sure why I never do anything about any of it. 
Half of me thinks that I'm just fucking terrified of love, of letting anyone close enough to do any real or lasting damage and the other half of me has this weird 'You'll know when you know' mindset in which I believe (like in many a movie) I'll see/meet someone and it'll be obvious like oh yeah that's my person, which I know is ridiculous but I'll think this for life I think because it gives me an excuse. 

Basically, I'm fucking scared of love, guys are scary and I'll forever turn away easy love because I'm a coward. 
good then. good note to end on pals. 

Your spinster pal, 

H 

xxx