An insight into my brain.
Hey, lets talk.
What I do know is that I suffer with rather horrific anxiety, equally horrifying (but more sporadic) panic attacks and what I call 'cloudy days' which is periods of time where i'm just numb (I think i'm too terrified to say depressed), although it seems as if everyone and their grandmother suffers with the same thing I think it's because we now live in a safe(ish) enough world to openly talk about it.
I wasn't always this way, I do know people who have suffered since childhood, I myself was always a nervous and shy child but my childhood was pretty good and it's hard to think about who I would be now if this thing wasn't pinning me down, would I be normal then?.
If you are reading and don't suffer with any of the above, it's all sounding very dramatic isn't it? well let me talk you through it, or at least give you an insight into the kind of things that happen in my brain hole.
Instead of getting excited or just regular nervous my body goes straight into panic mode in which I can't do anything (even eat) without thinking about the thing that's making me nervous, for example, someone asked to go on a date with me and this is why my brain and body are currently freaking out and I don't think I could feel more on edge (I hate it) which explains why I like to be alone a lot and I know it sounds like 'aw you're just nervous aww' well, no. I am so far past nervous it has become obsessive the amount I'm thinking about everything that's going to go wrong or happen to me.
Another wonderful thing my brain does is make me think I'm going to die, this happens more often than I would ever like it to.
This one is pretty self explanatory, but if you want an example (it's not very pleasant and was probably one of the worst times ever) in the autumn last year my brain decided to convince itself that I had cancer and would die but I couldn't go to the doctor because I was sure it was true and that it was too late, it went on for so long and plagued me so much that I was stood at the train station one day and broke down, I then had to call my mum and tell her everything.
Then I have the days that scare me the most, the numb ones.
Days where I feel nothing at all and it feels as if I wont ever again, these are the scariest days ever and I end up just walking around rooms of my house for hours not knowing why or the point of doing anything I love because I feel empty, where as usually things like listening to music makes me feel all the things but when these days take over nothing holds my attention.
I know that a lot of people reading this will wonder why I'm sharing such uncomfortable information but it honestly needs to be talked about for many reasons and not just for my own therapeutic needs.
Mental health isn't glamorous, cute or something to brag about however it is something that needs to be talked about and is a really serious issue, if you are reading this and something seems familiar, you need to know you are not ever alone in how you feel and there are options whether it's therapy, medication, meditation or just talking it out with people who love and support you (I am terrified of the first two myself but other things work for me).
If you yourself are struggling with any kind of mental health issues I have linked to the Mind website which offers help, advice and support.
I hope you are well,
H
xxx
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