'Re-generations'
Hey guys,
I have been pretty poorly over the last few weeks to say the least, I have caught everything going around (freshers flu..twice, colds, sickness, chest infections..I think is what I have now) and all this time lying around, for one makes you hate your room and everything in it but also makes you think about everything and anything (because you can't look at screens for too long or your eyes start burning which means no more Gilmore Girls for me).
so guys, I'm going to come right out and just say what I want to say here..I have a fear of losing friends, whether it be because they're bored of me, found new better ones or any other reason tbh.
In my life I have had two, what I like to call 'Re-generations' (like doctor who but not) these times have been the fucking worst, let me explain.
'Re-generations' to me anyways, is when I lose everyone close to me (or everyone just leaves) and have to start over again.
This first happened in sixth form, I lost my childhood best friend of like 14 years and most of my sixth form best friends, the reason was justified we all had a massive blow out and I truly don't regret it but it did take a huge toll on me, but I started all over again, new school and everything
.
One person stuck with me through out all of that and became my best friend, I'd known them since I was 12 and over the years after the shit storm they meant everything to me, everything, we were so damn close, like those movies about best friends that make everyone cringe a bit, they were that to me.
Turns out they didn't feel exactly the same, things got a bit..ugly(?).
We never argued, talked about when one of us had pissed the other off or done something stupid, we just always let things slide, never confronted anything and when you don't talk to each other about shit, you turn to other people and shit gets bitchy.
Things didn't end in a blow out like the last time, it was more like a fading away of sorts, which on my part, was 50 times worse, it tore me and my closest friends apart and when I say closest friends I mean god, I would've done anything for these people I loved them like family and awkwardly, some of them, more than that. ha.
During all of this there were two people keeping me in the light, sane, healthy.
My mum and a fucking godsend of a human being (I wont name her bc idk if shed want that, but you know, bean).
Now, I couldn't even describe how much my mum means to me so ill leave that there but the other human?..I have words. lots of sunshiney happy ones.
Some days I feel like nothing, numb and some days I feel like I couldn't have lived my life more wrong if I had tried.
But even on those days this person keeps me in glorious sunlight, weather I'm knotting a fucking beard (If you know you know) or a boy is ignoring me for the hundredth time that week and the anger is fizzing inside me, I know that I'll turn to my right and she'll either give me the 'fucking tell me about it' look or she'll give me a smile.
My mental health could be spiralling downwards and she'll be so quiet and calm and know exactly what to say to pull me out of the swirling clouds.
We have a saying for when either (or both) of us aren't feeling our best, aren't feeling confident or even down to something like wearing a new outfit that we're not sure about.
It'd seem silly said to anyone else in any other way but when she says this frankly a bit ridiculous phrase, I know she means it and I carry it with me wherever I go.
So, where am I going with all this? I'm not sure.
Bad things happen, heartbreaking things, and I'm not really sure what my brain is doing to deal with them, but I know one thing for sure, I hope to baby jez that I'm not due a 'Re-generation' til I'm like 80 because this one means a lot so i hope I get to keep her.
I have been pretty poorly over the last few weeks to say the least, I have caught everything going around (freshers flu..twice, colds, sickness, chest infections..I think is what I have now) and all this time lying around, for one makes you hate your room and everything in it but also makes you think about everything and anything (because you can't look at screens for too long or your eyes start burning which means no more Gilmore Girls for me).
so guys, I'm going to come right out and just say what I want to say here..I have a fear of losing friends, whether it be because they're bored of me, found new better ones or any other reason tbh.
In my life I have had two, what I like to call 'Re-generations' (like doctor who but not) these times have been the fucking worst, let me explain.
'Re-generations' to me anyways, is when I lose everyone close to me (or everyone just leaves) and have to start over again.
This first happened in sixth form, I lost my childhood best friend of like 14 years and most of my sixth form best friends, the reason was justified we all had a massive blow out and I truly don't regret it but it did take a huge toll on me, but I started all over again, new school and everything
.
One person stuck with me through out all of that and became my best friend, I'd known them since I was 12 and over the years after the shit storm they meant everything to me, everything, we were so damn close, like those movies about best friends that make everyone cringe a bit, they were that to me.
Turns out they didn't feel exactly the same, things got a bit..ugly(?).
We never argued, talked about when one of us had pissed the other off or done something stupid, we just always let things slide, never confronted anything and when you don't talk to each other about shit, you turn to other people and shit gets bitchy.
Things didn't end in a blow out like the last time, it was more like a fading away of sorts, which on my part, was 50 times worse, it tore me and my closest friends apart and when I say closest friends I mean god, I would've done anything for these people I loved them like family and awkwardly, some of them, more than that. ha.
During all of this there were two people keeping me in the light, sane, healthy.
My mum and a fucking godsend of a human being (I wont name her bc idk if shed want that, but you know, bean).
Now, I couldn't even describe how much my mum means to me so ill leave that there but the other human?..I have words. lots of sunshiney happy ones.
Some days I feel like nothing, numb and some days I feel like I couldn't have lived my life more wrong if I had tried.
But even on those days this person keeps me in glorious sunlight, weather I'm knotting a fucking beard (If you know you know) or a boy is ignoring me for the hundredth time that week and the anger is fizzing inside me, I know that I'll turn to my right and she'll either give me the 'fucking tell me about it' look or she'll give me a smile.
My mental health could be spiralling downwards and she'll be so quiet and calm and know exactly what to say to pull me out of the swirling clouds.
We have a saying for when either (or both) of us aren't feeling our best, aren't feeling confident or even down to something like wearing a new outfit that we're not sure about.
It'd seem silly said to anyone else in any other way but when she says this frankly a bit ridiculous phrase, I know she means it and I carry it with me wherever I go.
So, where am I going with all this? I'm not sure.
Bad things happen, heartbreaking things, and I'm not really sure what my brain is doing to deal with them, but I know one thing for sure, I hope to baby jez that I'm not due a 'Re-generation' til I'm like 80 because this one means a lot so i hope I get to keep her.
Thanks for reading my insane babbles,
Stay Healthy,
H
xxx
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