Talking it out.

Hi, 

Before I dive back into new year, new blog posts, 

I have a few things I need to just talk through, not even for anyone to read but ultimately for myself (so if you don't like rambley posts then you probably should stick around for my more frequent lighter hearted posts, love you!) . 

Quite recently someone said a few things behind my back about me that at first was like water off a ducks back, however these little words have circled around and around my brain for weeks, I can not deal with it any more so I am letting them lie here. 

'She always lets me down'.

'Flaky'. 'Unreliable'.

Now I want to address something that I think some people don't quite understand or don't know about me. 

I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, my attacks and anxiety are triggered by a few things, stress, new social situations, travel and being away from my family (this is only a rare trigger).

New situations and travel are a nightmare, I constantly think that something is going to happen to me whilst I am on buses or trains and I can't even order my own food at restaurants because I don't know the waiter.

As you can imagine its a bit much, but I manage the attacks on a daily basis by just taking each tiny step as it comes. 

It doesn't always work.

For example, nightclubs and evenings out in town make my chest tighten just at the thought and its not just a little nervous twinge in my chest, its like someone has taken a small rubber band and placed it around both of my lungs and they are crushed into the centre of my chest (that was more graphic than intended, sorry!) and I can't catch my breath. 

The feeling (for anyone that hasn't experienced it before) is similar (at least for me) to the moment when you get a text from someone that just says 'we need to talk..' and your mind races and you start thinking about every moment to see if there was something you did to annoy that person.

Except when people invite me to new situations, my mind races through every possible scenario in which the night could go wrong, questions swirl around my brain (What if you never come home? What if someone attacks you on the bus? What if they all get drunk and leave you? You'll never see your family again.) and this brings the panic.

The only effective way I have found to get through an attack? Cry. Cry until that lump in my throat and the fear inside me has gone. (It's no help, I'm sorry)

You can probably guess that an attack doesn't exactly get you in the party mood, it makes me tired and all I want to do is have my mum be there and tell me I don't have to go and that I can stay home where its safe. (which fyi she rarely does. 'You need to go, you CAN do it' are her go to sayings, god, I love her)  

So, to set the 'Let me guess, she let you down again' record straight, the ordeal I have to go through and the effort I put in to do some of the things considered 'easy' to most people, some days is fucking exhausting and considering this only started happening two years ago, I'm so proud of myself for not letting it stop me do most things but if I can honest to god not bring myself to go out in town for a night out every now and again and you think that I'm simply 'LAZY', rest assured, I wish I could be out with you but it's not a choice I randomly make. trust me.  

 

  

Thanks for reading (and hopefully understanding), 

H

 xxx 

P.S. There are more fun and light hearted posts coming real soon, however, mid-blog about fun things, I just couldn't carry on and had to let this all out!